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it only hurts if u let it

by drabb

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1.
who gave u permission to hurt me who let you get a hold of my heartstrings one things for sure, it wasn't me who said that u can harm me toss me around like a pile of laundry and in the end blame the mess on me i know that u wont listen, ur not making sense i got SBS i guess, why even stress if i'm depressed i'm just a mess, a pile of mesh and human meat i got SBS i guess. hydraulic press down on my chest i'll wait for death to steal my breath so i can sleep i wish things coulda ended calmly i wanted peace but u brought an army so now it'll all be pinned on me i didn't think these things would scar me kill me again and turn me into a zombie now there's no way to end my misery i know u wont miss me, u threw up the fence i got SBS i guess, why even stress if i'm depressed i'm just a pest, a tiny speck on ur tv i got SBS i guess, hydraulic press down on my chest just let me rest, i wanna go to fucking sleep and honestly between u and me sometimes life really feels like a fantasy a memory, or a fever dream it's the only way to justify this suffering
2.
what happened to all the mirrors? shattered spots along the wall if i can't look at my sadness how will i know it's there at all? i know u've heard all about it but i still feel empty inside i'm taking pills just to feel happy knowing happy is just another lie the doors always lock from the inside my voice bounces across the room the curtains block all of the sunlight so i can pretend to feel the moon cuz no one ever showed me how to live and no one's gonna show me how to die so now i really feel like giving in i think ill throw the towel in tonight i really wish i could stay silent and never bother anyone at all but when ur thrust into the spotlight u know everyone's gonna watch u fall sometimes i feel like a puppet just a weightless plastic prop another story that keeps on going another play that never stops the doors shut with no delay there's no sound besides my breath the curtains part and music plays the moon can't save me from this mess cuz no one ever showed me how to sing and no one's gonna show me how to cry i'm having trouble living in my skin i think i'll throw the towel in tonight i guess i should feel lucky to have made it all this way so many others have died trying to get here why does it hurt to have to stay?
3.
he was tumbling in the currents underneath speaking to fishes and anemone swaying endlessly at the bottom of the sea all he wished for was to float in peace and its been so long since that faithful winter day when he jumped into the ocean and decided to stay down there in the deep he feels the water streams brushing up against his bloated cheeks and that's how he likes to be, away from everything slowly sinking down until hes out of reach and its been so long since i stared him in the face but when i try he always turns away and i know things will never be the same i just hope he finally smiles for a change these tears won't show if everything is wet i hope this isn't something i regret
4.
rainy day 02:43
rainy day, please come back and bother me sometimes i need shade u see don't let me see the light it seems the dark's more bright gloomy skies throughout the night just seem alright rainy day, haven't smiled in so long all i really have is this song i miss the rain and clouds i really don't know how i could ever live without u rainy day, i can't see with all the sun my rosey cheeks are going numb i can't stand the heat i want to go to sleep rainy day, please come back to me
5.
minds 06:53
minds, they always lose control it's something ur soul, you feel like you're missing i think i know myself, but i cant really tell i'm always so distant who can really say why we feel this way why we're in this mess we made we struggle with our confidence because our brains aren't honest with our minds i can't explain these dreams i don't know what they mean, but they aren't so pleasant finding meaning just wont do, i got nothing to prove so i'll just forget them who can really say why i feel this way why i'm shaking every day i just hope i get help soon cuz i don't think i'll get used to my mind holding on to something moving, trying not to fall completely maybe i just need some time alone...
6.
feeling my legs start to shake giving out under the weight trying to hold all this pain but it's more than i can take strung like a butcher display hung from an insular aid saw it from miles away fly and then slowly decay everyday is today everything's starting to fade hearing the curtains raise one final scene for the play bury your fears and escape somebody put out this flame palms intertwined, hope and pray that the rope doesnt break
7.
you loom over like a tree in october shedding leaves, and they call it the fall cuz we drop like a ball it's the start to the end of everything the earth will only spin when these feelings finally end once the memories dissolve and the tulips grow tall we'll know it's finally spring u only ever feel what u wish u felt u stretch what is real to feel better about urself if all the time we spend is spent in a living hell then honey, i think things wont end well it's a special type of pain, one that stops and starts again i'm just biding my time hoping that it declines but the wait is making me cave in the calender's never my friends, and the clock just makes my head spin i stay up at night fearing what i will find when i run out of minutes to spend u only ever get what u put in some little white lies and ur blood stained lips if keeping a secret is all that this is then honey, i think this is it
8.
husk 02:00
i'm sick and tired of being called a pessimist i know the glass is half full, but it's half full of piss dont act so blameless, u know what u did there's skeletons in ur closet and saliva on ur lips so keep taking pride in ur empathy i'll just remember what u said to me i'll just remember how u emptied me turned me into a soulless entity
9.
hey. what do u mean that it's too late to sing a song for rainy days hey are u alright, u look so pale, ur skin is white, u need to get away but i don't think u understand, this year is just another goddamn drag so i'll just stay inside for now, but it's been hard to hide behind the clouds hey, u look so down, we need to hang when ur around, i think u need a break hey don't think too much, u'll be okay, just keep in touch, i know u need ur space i know that things can turn around, but I keep digging further underground and soon enough i'll end up stuck, and no one's even gonna even give a fuck i wanna start over again i wanna get rid of these hands i wanna sit still and disappear i wanna be somebody new with clean eyes and thicker skin too i wanna run off and disappear hey, get on ur feet, don't waste away, there's lots of people in the world today hey please wipe ur eyes, be glad u made it out alive, ur gonna be okay but i don't think u understand, i'm only here becuz of circumstance if i wasn't afraid to drown, i'd probably be six feet under the ground hey, come with me now, get up and take a look around, the leaves are blowing away hey i know things suck, but there's always a change of luck, just mellow out and wait I know that things can turn around, but i feel sick and things are heading south and if i have to wish for luck, i might as well save time and just give up i wanna start over again i wanna get rid of these hands i want someone to pick me up and tell me that i can i wanna be somebody else with no more whistles and no more bells a simple happy person content with themselves what's left to gain and what's left to lose? it's all the same thing no matter what u choose it's all a game, one giant ruse u want the key to change but ur still singing the same tune it's easy to forget that stories start and end the pages slowly dwindle and the numbers ascend a picture on the mirror, when everything was clearer some faces filled the space, but one by one they disappeared i wanna go to sleep, pretend its all a dream i wanna go to sleep, escape from everything
10.
foe paw 03:44
cat scratch, sneak attack claw marks on my back u had ur little plans to get the final laugh but honey, u know me my eyes never blink i see all the things u do when i sleep i wont go down with ur goodbyes so pick me up off the ground and get ready for a fight u say u have changed but i see what remains the headaches from all the days u lied right to my face but oh well, what the hell everything is swell they fell into ur spell ur lucky they can't tell i wont go down, i will not die i know this place, i've been around so get ready for a fight
11.
i hate u 03:56
i hate everything about u, i can't stand being around you nowadays i don't think ill think about u, i'm better off without u anyways it's a waste of my time to even pay u some mind i felt so broken last night, but now i feel just fine i hate everything about u, i saw u slither out of ur cave i don't think i'll think about u, u died the day i found ur second face i really tried to stay blind, but u opened my eyes looking back on our time, how'd i think this was fine?
12.
eyes 03:41
waking up at 5pm feeling spaced out, laying down on my bed can't get up 'till the sun goes down cuz i can't see shit when it's around that's when the panic sets in, when i realize just who i've been for the past few years, all these wasted tears that i poured out just to keep u here my hands have been looking dry and i'm losing vision in both of my eyes these headaches wont go away they're just another part of my day back then i had a lot do, but now its hard to even wanna move cuz nothing's right, nothing's left except the noise i hear inside my head i don't want to go mad, i just want the things we had but i'll never go back, i'm sick of living in the past i am spinning down the drain i feel like i'm insane, somebody help me why do things feel this way? i'm trying hard to stay awake
13.
goodnite 03:32
breakfast at night, putting up a fight to stay awake another hour laying on my side, rubbing both my eyes, its all the same, the dark gets louder and i just try to pass the time until my will to live's rung dry heart beats like a drum, i cant help but hum to the beat, a little sonnet fingers going numb, imitating strums subconsciously, i think i've lost it i just try to pass the time until i fill my mouth with flies, and we can try to say goodnight, but i still might see u tonight

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"sometimes love goes away, and then you kind of get bummed of the whole concept of love, but maybe it's just resting, and it's gonna come back and it's gonna come back in a big way..." -jason lytle

songs written from 2016-2019

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released September 28, 2019

an album by bella

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